40 Days and 40 Nights...aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Oh god what I wouldn’t give for piece!

...of steak, or a Big Mac, you pervert. I gave up McDonald's and red meat, and sex (with males) for lent. There's approximately 7 1/2 weeks left, and I think it's safe to say I'm gonna make it! I suppose I could have given up drinking (sure) or possibly women (who are we kidding), but why punish society for my religion. Regardless, looking back on it now, I probably wouldn't have made it past the first week if i decided to go with the latter.


Now, before you get all high and mighty at me about being a good Catholic lets take a closer more discriminating look at this archaic custom of self deprivation. Let us ponder the meaning of lent, shall we? Hmmm despite my catholic upbringing I still had to look this up. Lets see, here ok, according to various sources Lent is a time of penance, prayer, preparation. Well let's see, why don't we start with the first part of that definition.


Penance: the desire to be forgiven, or contrition.

Well boys and girls one cannot receive penance or atone for ones sins until one has confessed said sins. Now really, when was the last time any of you all went to confession? Tell the truth.


Silence....(crickets)


Yeah, I though so. I hadn't been in a few years either, so I decided that it'd be a good idea to go before Ash Wednesday. Being the good little catholic that I am, I decided that it would be a better idea if I went to parish other than my own to confess my depravities. I don't need my local priest knowing the kind of debauched lifestyle I lead. I do have to show my face at Sunday Mass and the confessional booths at my church might as well be made of plexi-glass for all the privacy they offer. I figured I'd go confess at the local monastery. I mean it's not like the monks get out much, do they? How bad could it be right? I couldn't have been more wrong.



Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. The time of my last confession was about 3 years ago

Priest: Why so long my child?

Me: Well, you see father....


Cut to me being given my penance. I don't think he was being totally forgiving. I had to do 50 Our Fathers, 75 Hail Mary's, say a novena and light a candle for all the sins I had confessed to (thank god I hadn't confessed to everything, we might have needed the fire dept there to put out all the flames). I don't even want to talk about the $50 donation I had to make to the charity box! I vaguely remember hearing something about eternal damnation and some such nonsense, but I was too busy swearing under my breath about having pay-out cold hard cash for my so-called sins. He obviously didn't care that that $50 was coming out of my weekend drinking budget...how rude! Having to recite all those rosaries should be enough of a punishment. But I digress. The penance I was given, leads us directly into our next subject.


Prayer: A reverent petition made to God, a god, or another object of worship

Reverent petition my ass! When was the last time you weren't praying when you're head wasn't dangling off the side of the toilet bowl? I can't count how many times I swore on everything holy that I was never going to touch another drop of alcohol again, never mind the furious orations that exited my being upon being caught doing something illegal (which by the way I NEVER do...yeah, uh-huh). I can almost bet you get super religious when you've gotten pulled over by the boys in blue too. How many times have you caught yourself praying for something completely inappropriate, like for that wave of nausea to stop, or for the asshole/bitch you've been doing relentlessly (who by the way is taking forever to cum) to just hurry up and finish so you can go make a sandwich? I'll bet quite a few. No one ever admits to it. So I'm calling you guys out. If you didn't need some divine intervention during these trying times then you my friend are not human.


Don't get me wrong, I know that people pray for completely innocent reasons too. Some pray for family, some for health, some for luck. But isn't that getting a little selfish? I mean if you think about it, Jesus was a pretty cool guy, sacrificing himself for your soul. I mean, would YOU do that? I think not, hell I'm pretty sure some of you wouldn't even sacrifice your parking spot or your place in line never mind your life and immortal soul. My point is that during this holiest of seasons I tend to find that a lot of people, myself included tend to find themselves relying on powers higher than their own to get shit done. As if any other time of year isn't good enough. I mean people really. Lent is not a like the Annual Blowout Sale at Macy's. You do not get discount on Miracles, and no one's punching your prayer card so you get your free gift at the pearly gates. But once again, I digress. It just so happens that during this time of reflection and spiritualism we are getting ready for a greater scheme. Which brings me to the final part of lent.

Preparation.

And what are we preparing for? Well my friends. We are preparing to break the fast after having deprived yourself of a cherished habit or possession, payment to atone for our sins. Some of us have not sinned as much as others. I can attest to the fact I'm pretty much going to hell in flaming hand-basket. The only reason I even find myself being even remotely observant is so I can earn some brownie points and possibly avoid the whole burning lake of fire. I figure if I do two good deeds for every one sin I should be able to get a nice room in or around the 4th level of hell (no pineapples, please). Wishful thinking, I know, but a girl's got to have faith right?


Ponder this: (Luke 7:34) "The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, 'Look at him,119 a glutton and a drunk, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'120.


Which leads me to believe that although He may have given up his soul and body for the betterment of mankind, I'm pretty much convinced that he wasn't exactly uptight. I mean seriously folks, walking across water, bringing back the dead, and let's not forget the ultimate party trick. I mean Jesus would have been the most awesome Brita filter, he could have cleaned the water, but no he turned it to wine! People called Jesus a glutton and a drunk, and quite possibly an accountant. A man who can get me drunk, save my soul, and do my taxes, I'd give up meat for 40 days and 40 nights for that.

But not sex....nah!


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